I only have enough time to drink the good stuff: a last meal with my best friend.

I only have enough time to drink the good stuff: a last meal with my best friend.
Whenever someone is in my bar, pining over their next drink, I frequently say, “need I remind you of the transient and fleeting nature of life.” I do not say this to sell, well perhaps I do, I say this to sell a moment. Like Al Pacino said in the in the film version of David Mamet’s Glen Gary Glenross,

“Great meals fade in reflection, everything else gains, you know why? cause they’re only food, the shit we burn out… it’s only food.”

But what I’ll offer is that you remember the great events around great meals. The best meal of my life was at Beast, in Portland OR, I can only recall 2 courses, ( out  of  7 ) but I remember 1 glass of wine ( out  of  8 ) and being happier than ever with my special lady. Otis, my best friend, is dying. Baydra, my special lady, has been his best friend for 13 years. Before you get too concerned, he is a dog, but, HE IS STILL MY BEST FRIEND and the best thing ever to happen to, and be influenced by Baydra. He was molded by her love. And tonight, our last night, we have much to imbibe and much hugging to do.

A king

Not surprisingly, I am drunk as I write right now. I am an atheist, but my dog reminds me everyday of the first 2 truths of the Buddha. Life is pain and the cause if that pain is desire, and before you get all, “you are a blasphemous fuck,” about me, understand that I think that there are almost no humans that understand, “being desire less,” but almost all animals do.

An aside: Baydra (very special lady friend) just said: guys are really interesting about spills, quote: “you just spilled your rye, clean it up, you would clean it up in your bar.”

Brb

The laying of a cloth over the spilled rye was not good enough for her, I have cleaned it since and now I can type more.

So back to my point, were I to compare my dog to Jesus, Christians would be offended, but were I to compare him to Buddha, a Buddhist would not. This is inconsequential to the fact that I don’t consider him holy, rather, I am just trying to express that I see him (my dog) as better than me (a person) because he is. Earthly matters do not weigh him down, E.G. like Jesus and Buddha he is enlightened, but not like the common man.

Today, I purchased 1 bottle of Wild Turkey Rye, 12, 6.2% alc Simpler Times beers, 1 liter of Lambic Frambois, 1 bottle of good Champagne, (not a non descript sparkling wine, but good champagne), 1 bottle of decent petit syrah, and the addition of a single barrel bottling of Sazercac, picked by Joel Baker of Bourbon and Branch. There are also present 3, 1lbs seasoned rib eye steak. 2 lbs of bacon wrapped (by me) tri tips, linguini, ciabatta, truffle oil (Otis loves truffle oil) and spinach and mixed green salad with a raspberry balsamic vinaigrette. These goods, are a send off of great goods.

Love wrapped in bacon

Life is shit then you die. Or: Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, in the end signifying nothing.
This melancholy diatribe, delivered by a Hamlet wannabe, in blog format, is a veiled way to invite you, dear reader, to not hesitate. Live deliberately. My best friend is about to die, he has several cancers, and his spleen has ruptured. But his last meal will be remembered by the 3 of us, we will make it special.

A bowl of goodbye and love

People meet me, and I am quiet, and in a year or so, they might say, “he is a good guy,” I take a while to know. Small children meet Otis and they say, “his ears are so soft, he is nice” while he, and the child, and myself all smile. My half a bottle of wild turkey rye and 2 beers have to leave now. We all have to eat our respective pounds of steak, rye whiskey, good champagne and 12 beers. My keyboard is wet with tears, my only point to this 698 word blog post is that please don’t save the good stuff for a later day, enjoy it now with people that you care about. Anything less is fooling yourself.

Evan Martin: youngster, bartender, Helot, will be your judge

Evan Martin:  youngster, bartender, Helot, will be your judge

Sparta

Young Spartans had to prove themselves worthy of being Spartans.  To prove themselves, they were cut as infants with their cries judged, trained in combat, ruthlessly beaten throughout their lives, and even sent out to be part of the Spartan’s serf class, the Helots.  Helots were a quasi slave service class to the citizens of Sparta, exiled, young Spartans would work and have to earn their worth as Helots (with frequent beatings) before being re admitted to Spartan society.  Today in a more civilized time, surely shit talking has taken the place of forced servitude and savage beatings.  This is to the dismay of several chef’s and bar mangers, but it is more equitable.

Evan the Helot

Evan Martin is the 23 year old bartender in my employ, I didn’t make fun of him during his entire interview, but that was about it.  Now, not a day goes by when I don’t say, “what do you mean you don’t know who Walter Mondale is?”  “You’ve never been drunk off Becherovka, pffft.”  “I can change a keg with one hand, what is your fucking problem.”  Evan is the kid, the FNG (fucking new guy), I used to have someone working for me called kid, I started calling her, ”Chuckles,” the day I hired Evan.  Evan is not a fuck up, quite the contrary, he is an over studious over achiever, who much to my displeasure calls bullshit on my occasional poor technique, or lack of effort. But as I type this right now, I find that he didn’t change the Stella keg last, no biggie, like I said it only takes one hand.  He is young, and he must be hassled for it, otherwise he will not build the character a balanced person needs.

Evan the Bartender

Evan Martin is already an amazing mixologist and a growing bartender, he is very proficient in beer, spirits and mixology.  The drinks he creates are truly profound, expertly crafted, beautiful and technically perfectly executed, but he uses too many ingredients and needs to get faster.  Evan knows every bar opening around the nation, the handle of every cocktail blogger and the trends in mixology that my, “old dog,”  attitude doesn’t care about.  But back to the Helots, Evan is here for me to beat up, not you.  In my bar he is my Helot, in your bar he is your paying customer and guest.  Before I go any further, I want you dear reader to know that I gave great pontification on if I should name the bar that was so shitty to him.  I won’t, but they know who there are and they should buck up.

Evan your Judge

Evan has had a bad experience at almost every bar I go to around town.  Some of this is because his expectations are too high, some of it is because he looks like Evan.  I was kind of shocked when he told me about some of his profoundly rude interactions with Seattle bartenders, the same story over and over.  Evan once said, “Well, I love that place when I go with [Andrew] they are nice to me and only charge me for half my drinks.”  But last  week we  were in Portland where Evan and I are unknown.  He, his Lady and his friend walked into the bar were I was with a several other bartenders.  Me?  I’m 29 but  I look 40, generally wear a blazer, don’t shave my face and pay with cash, I give off a, “most interesting man in the world,” vibe mixed with tipping a minimum of 30%.  It is a formula that I find functional in life.  Evan looks 18, clean shaven, like he just walked off the set of the sound of music, wears a button down shirt, his girlfriend though quite stylish is flanked by his buddy in a hooded sweatshirt.  The host’s exact greeting I can not quote but the information he put across was as follows, “no idea when I can get you a table,” “almost at capacity, about to start turning people away. “  There was no offer of a drink, that a cocktailer is on the way, an indication of wait time, and I can’t recall the host even saying hello.  He may as well have said: “Sir,  if you look around, you’ll see I have no use for your money today, tah tah.”  Evan brushed this off, like he is used to it, and I think he is.  But I was an angry poppa bear.  This for me is baseline rule one for if a bar is good or bad, can people be greeted, seated and helped in some way?

I tell Evan often, that nobody really cares how good the cocktail is, because getting drunk at home is cheap and easy.  That he should be proud, and make good drinks to earn respect, not demand it.  Then I make fun of him for driving a lesbian pick up truck, aka Ford Ranger.  Evan is in the 99 th percentile of the informed customer and the perfect litmus test for service.  Rule no 1 of business, be able to accept money for goods and services, rule 2 avoid being a dick to people that try to give you money for goods and services.  Rule 3 is of course to be faster when exchanging money for goods and services, but that is a different blog post.

What benefit do any of us get from cocktail culture is ever growing even more nerdy and even more elite? Conclusion: I make fun of Evan, only me,  everyone else has to be nice to him, for money.

Post Script: That joint was half empty 10 minutes later, no doubt from the same issues.

Credit Card Companies Fuck Small Business in the Ass

Credit Card Companies Fuck Small Business in the Ass

I had to say it, I actually went 5 whole blog posts without using a four letter word.   I wasn’t holding back, it just happened?  Dear reader, think not that I am losing my edge.  Credit card companies are hard on small business, sorry about the buggery reference, I wanted you to understand how I feel

If you vote for hate filled ignorant republicans to keep government out of business regulations, use cash and give small business an extra 2% annual income.

If you vote for sissy mary democrats because you want to sup[port social programs, I’d offer you that tipping your single mother waitress 25% in cash that she won’t get taxed on will do her more good that any bullshit that won’t get through congress.

Small business doesn’t need another headache, and they don’t need another hand in their pocket picking pennies off of the bottom line.  If you support them with time and money, I beg you to go the extra bit to support them with cash.  Keep the plastic for the electric company and the green grocer, they are used to it.

If you want a Panera, a Jamba Juice and a Banana Republic on every corner, keep using your credit card for everything all the time.  Visa and Mastercard thank you for their cut, one more ivory back scratcher they can buy.

Don’t worry dear reader, I’m still angry, but next time I’ll cool down with artful prose about gin history or delights from Whisky Fest in San Francisco.

I feel a little lighter after that rage dump.

Waste not, want not, not beaten to death. or: The Porto Flip and how to make if better with poached pears.

Poached Pears in Chocolate, aka:sexy dessert

When asked if he, “recycled bread, “ the process by which a busser or waiter takes un used bread from one table to a new table with some slight of hand, Jacque Pepin replied, “no, “ then smiling, added, “but when I first began cooking, chef would have beaten me to death for wasting bread.”

Or like my friend Jake, a chef turned bartender says: “You may never be a millionaire, but you can find a million ways to save a dollar.”

Restaurants and bars are full of waste.  I hesitate to make any recipe at home that uses the phrase, “discard.”  It seems that I am wasteful at work.

I routinely use an entire peel as a garnish-save fruit for juicing later

I brandy our cherries with a equal parts, wild turkey, kirsh, maraschino and rich simple-the outcome of which is my house made cherry brandy, cherry Heering is for babies and old people

Even I save old wine corks to use for packaging, way cooler that foam peanuts.

But I recently had a stroke of genius that I’ll share with you that involves to of the better things in life, dessert and booze.  I was thinking, “self remember that time Theresa of Shawn and Theresa, of nerd club (people with whom I watch Battlestar), remember when she made poached pears in port, hmmm, that was a tasty cylon treat.”  So I decided to make poached pears, to eat but mostly because I wanted port that had been reduced in pears and spices.

I pulled this recipe off of chow.com , it worked great, and before you ask, if you are going to boiled it for 20 minutes, I think you can use lame port, I did.

By Kate Ramos

A single pear, poached in fortified wine and standing upright on a dessert plate, is a beautiful thing—a simple and light yet elegant dessert. The garnishing options are endless here: Serve with ice cream, whipped cream, caramel sauce, chocolate desserts, or a little crème anglaise.

INGREDIENTS

* 4 cups port wine
* 1 cup water
* 1/2 cup granulated sugar
* 1 vanilla bean, split lengthwise and scraped, seeds and pod reserved
* 1 (2-inch) stick cinnamon
* 1 teaspoon whole allspice
* 1/8 teaspoon kosher salt
* 4 firm Bosc or Anjou pears (about 1 pound)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Combine all ingredients except pears in a medium saucepan and bring to a boil over high heat, stirring until sugar is completely dissolved. Meanwhile, peel pears, leaving the stems intact. Slice off the bottom 1/8 inch of each pear to create a flat, stable base.
2. Reduce heat to keep poaching liquid at a bare simmer and add pears, laying them on their sides so that they are almost completely submerged. Cook, turning pears occasionally so that they become saturated on all sides, until they are just tender when pierced with a fork, about 7 minutes.
3. Allow pears to cool completely in the poaching liquid. Serve or transfer pears and liquid to an airtight container and store in the refrigerator for up to 2 days.

Instead of the teaspoon of allspice I used 2 jiggers of falernum.  I use Paul’s #8 with 2 thai chili’s inside the bottle)  I wanted to make drinks with the finished product, and the first slacker one I tried was such an instant success that I can’t wait to see what will happen when actually I try to make a real drink.

First off, remember a Porto Flip, is not a Port Flip Subtleties and tiny variations aside, a aside a “Port Flip,” is a port drink, with an egg, port and a bit of sugar, and a “Porto Flip,” is a brandy drink, with an egg using port as the sweetening agent.  Here is my twist, simple and tasting and you will have the “by product” of a great dessert after you have made a great liqueur.

Poached Pear Porto Flip

Poached Pear Porto Flip Recipe

1.5 oz Brandy
1 oz pear poached port
.25 oz lemon juice
1 whole egg
shake and strain into a pretty glass, port, and porto flips are always an ugly color, hide that with a pretty glass

garnish with a dust of cinnamon

What is the “buy back” policy and how does it work?

What is the “buy back” policy and how does it work?

I got accidental drunk last night. That is the kind when your girlfriend if a bit upset about your lateness and wobble. I went to a speakeasy, while talking with the bartender, I mentioned I was a bartender, I seem to remember taking an un-invited shot of fernet while the words still floated, it was a handshake. Left with a slight buzz and wandered in to another bar and ran into another bartender I know, shocking, but I thought he didn’t work that evening. Anyway we bantered about the best well scotch for the money (while tasting), had a cocktail another fernet and out the door. This is how “accidental” drunk happens.

The reader might recall me talking about my poverty, and it would clearly seem that this is like an $80 tab or more. Not so when you are working with the “buy back” policy and when you are given receipts like the one pictured below.

When delivered as a bar bill, this is what you call an "ironic compliment." just in case you don't speak "industry," that reads : due:$0.00- thanks for coming by!

The basic principle as it was first introduced to me in Gary Regan’s Joy of Mixology, basically, the customer orders 3 drinks and you buy them the 4th. It doesn’t always have to be 4 drinks but last night as an exception. The purpose of the buy back is customer loyalty. Or, like with the receipt above, it is a reward for being the customer that saves you from a completely boring and awful night. The buy back is fairly simple, but bartenders often misunderstand it. Let us assume that the buy back works differently for bartenders in bars. If nobody eats like a chef, nobody drinks like a bartender. But for regular customers here is how it should work and how it goes wrong.

A customer comes in and has a 2 $10 drinks. If one is given away for free, the bar loses $10. If you give the customer a 3rd drink, the bar losses $3. Had I ordered those shots of fernet last night, and not paid for them the bars that poured them would have lost $18, but as I didn’t ask for them, the really just gave me $4 of free booze. Liquor is actually quite cheap until it is assigned the job of paying electricity bills and labor. In short as a bartender, you can’t run a bar without the buy back, but look out for the interest of the bar by giving away bar: don’t take the income away when giving out the free drink, give ‘em an extra one.  Don’t give away sales, give away product, sparingly.
If you absolutely work in a bar where there is no buy back you have to buck up and actually purchase a drink for the customer, I mean: put money in the till. This will also train you how often and effective the execution of the buy back is.

Lastly, if you are a customer and see that you have had drinks removed from your tab, the minimum you should tip is 20% of what the total should have been.

Bartenders in Lego and the lessons they teach

I have 3 hobbies, booze, bikes and legos. For those that don’t know, there I said it, I love legos, I am out of the plastic closet. This weekend was northwest Brick Con and I got me thinking about making some lego bartenders, but I had to share the lessons I’ve learned from them.

Andrew Bohrer

That is me, with my rapier wit and ever present cup of “coffee.” What do I know? Not much, but I do keep an eye for learning from any body anytime and a six shooter (not pictured) of dirty jokes about marsupials.

Dallas Taylor

Dallas Taylor doesn’t always look so angry, but he often does. From him I learned when to shake a drink (when it has juice) and when to stir (when it is clear and only booze. This is rule number one for me in separating rubes from pros and I learned it from him. Dallas also taught me the importance of the book Kitchen Confidential.

Anu Apte

Anu Apte is a study in grace. I have never seen a foot print that she has left, so I beilve that she floats about, un sullied by the earth. Anu moves in a way that implies: 4 years tap, 3 years ballet and 3 years modern dance. Also, Anu is clear evidence that a man named Zane Harris is lucky like no other man on earth, but is surely a shitty gambler as all of his karmic luck was spent on boyfriending Anu.

Will Ritthaler

Will Ritthaler showed me the importance of looking things up. We were joking about the foreword to the Gentleman’s Companion, “not show fancy boy drinks like the Widow’s Kiss,” and we realized that we didn’t know what a Widow’s Kiss was, and Baker does not give the recipe for such a, “fancy boy,” drink. We had to look it up, like any bartender should when faced with an unknown drink. Also Will had, and should have again, have a beard so epic that it shames any homeless man. Lastly the first time I tried to get a drink from Will he kicked me out because my ID was suspect, lesson: don’t take chance on getting arrested because of fake IDs.

Jacob Briars

Professor Jacob Briars showed me that witty things I may say, should be slowed down, enunciated and emphasized for the general public. The speed at which the man speaks means that his brain is certainly fueled by vegetables and exercise rather than the animal fat and scotch like the rest of us. But his punch lines are crystal clear as is if delivered by certified mail. Jacob successfully sells vodka, the most maligned of cocktail bases to an audience that is unwilling to even shoot it, how? The twin guns of grace and tact, also he is a cowboy riding the horse of product knowledge. Lastly, I learned from Jacob that when one shakes a drink really hard, one makes the face one would make if he/she were having an orgasm. A curious but accurate observation to be certain.

Gwydion Stone

Gwydion Stone knows absinthe. He makes it, drinks it and will be one of the first guys to bring it back from the absinthe murders and Czech fire to grace and dignity. Also, he rock Hawaiian shirts.

Paul Clarke

Paul Clarke, what can’t you learn from Paul Clarke? Go to his blog Cocktail Chronicles and learn something right now. Also Paul is great at humanizing all of the aspects of cocktail culture that get wrapped up is obscurity and seriousness. I have made gallons of Paul’s#8 falarnum. Reading Paul Clarke is like having a drink with him, though I must point out in person, he is more likely to use a potty mouth that he would never use on the blog. My favorite Paul Clarke line, “ gins proliferate in liquor stores at a pace envied by kudzu and bunnies.”

Jim Romdall

Jim Romdall taught me that he is the missing link between orangutans and men. At 5’7 with a 6’2 arm span, I call him the orang-tender. But seriously I learned from Jim that shoppers vineyard is an excellent substitution for the liquor board and well, the finest way to give people a truly meaningful x-mas bonus. I also learned from Jim that I am not alone in my belief that the best bartender have both dive bar and fine dining experience, and that mixing the best of both creates the gestalt of a better bartender.

Eric Chapman

Eris Chapman, so may things, salty snacks at the bar, clever ways to manage staff for optimizing fly fishing trips, but recently, I learned that a Vieu Carre cocktail with bonded applejack instead of cognac is amazing, try one today!
1oz bonded apple jack
1oz sweet vermouth
1oz rye
.25oz benedictine
1 dash angostura
1 dash peychaud

Eric remembers peoples’ names, makes great drinks and blah blah, but he also knows that there are 3 months out of the year in which air conditioning is very important, and his bar delivers on this

Dave Nelson

From Dave Nelson, I learned to say less. And to honor that, I shall say nothing more than that. But I also remember a time were there were 6 drunk bartenders all asked to make the flaming blue blazer at the end of a long night, Dave bowed out leaving only 5 drunkards to toss about fire. I believe Dave is the only person without a scar from that night. Because Dave knows his limits.

Robert Hess wrote the backdrop of this photo shoot

Robert Hess is proof that the Riker Beard is still awesome. And also, like Dave Nelson, I have learned from Robert to say less and be subtle. Hess could walk into any bar, list 100 things they were doing wrong and never be invited back. But he doesn’t . The highest critique he generally levels is, “I might try something different.” He is a man along for the ride although in the mean time truly prefers that the ride be of the highest quality but will not mention such unless he is asked. That is a difficult burden that he bears well.

Donald Brady

Donald Brady showed me that many of the dumb sounding drinks in the Difford’s guide are the best, except those garnished with whole doughnuts. Also, he is my harshest critic and never lets me pass off crap. It is hard to find someone who will honestly tell you that something is forgettable and to try harder next time. And a harsh critic that has your interests at heart is a very valuable way to grow. He has also informed me of the toils of cutting peat; awful back breaking labor, but I have served Donald scotches that are old enough that they could have been toasted by peat that he cut in highschool. There are no pizzas that I made in highschool still in circulation.

Amanda Womack

Amanda Womack is my walking fact checker. I often use her to back up outrageous claims that I make as she generally appears more responsible and sane than myself. I also learned from her to measure better. I learned to measure long ago, but there were several drinks that she made, much better than I, by using the simple technique of caring more about measuring. Jigger twice drink once.

Chelsea "Chuckles" North

Chelsea “chuckles” North showed me how to better break balls without making somebody cry. I little Chelsea chuckle at the end of a scathing comment helps the medicine go down.

Jamie Boudreau

Jamie Boudreau enseigné m’à orthographier mieux en français et que les Canadiens parlent drôle mais nous shouldn’ ; t font l’amusement de eux parce qu’ils ont des soins de santé bien meilleurs que nous même si ils ont de mauvaises lois d’importation qui rendent le tequlia très cher. Also, even though he gets all this cred for being a molecular mixology guy, he is better at refilling a water glass than any other bartender ever. This is important because most good scotches need a drop of water to open up. Also, you need water to live and it should always be in front of you in a bar from the moment you sit until the moment you leave:professional. Two other things I learned from him, he was the first guy I met that used a y peeler instead of a channel knife to better control the oils going into a drink, this is a method I don’t know how I waited so long to learn. Also, he inspired me to use my own custom took kit suited to my own style. I however use a chef roll rather than Jamie’s suitcase because i admire the professional chef more that the traveling sales man but:De gustibus non est disputandum-which I learned again, from Dallas.

What is Underberg, and why is it so amazing?

What is Underberg, and why is it so amazing?

A lot of people say, “of I love Pappy van Winkle, or Grey goose is the only vodka,” well, I love Underberg this much.

When you don’t know what a liquor is, first ask yourself: What is on the bottle?

Underberg: After a good meal

“Underberg is an herb bitters taken for digestion, it is not a beverage. Not to be supped, but taken all at once and quickly because of its aromatic and strong taste. It is also used as a flavoring.”

.67 fluid oz
20 ml
44% alc

Natural Herb Bitters

Ingredients: Water, alcohol (44% by volume) and natural flavors from the genus gentiana.

To feel bright and alert

Made in Germany

What does it all mean? Well, let me tell you a bit about all that jargon and glory. Hubert Underberg-Albrecht in 1846, began selling this bitter made of what they claim to be herbs and spices from 43 countries. The genus gentiana, or gentian, contains over 400 different alpine flowering plants, so, it can’t be too hard to span 43 countries. And another fun bit about it, the extracts used to create these bitters are aged in Slovenian oak. I’m no arborist, but from what little I’ve read of Slovenia, it seem that it is certainly inhabited by gnomes and fairies. The country in 54% forest.

Why bitters after a heavy meal? No idea, sorry to sound like Dr. Spaceman but science doesn’t really know either. I have read a theory that suggests that bitter or/and high fiber foods have left the modern palate and caused digestive issues with modern people. I question the booze aspect of that because were I able, I’d have a Calvados after every meal, alas poor. Perhaps it is simpler, like the pyloric valve that is closed during digestion allows booze to jus hang out in your stomach and actually aid in digestion. I’m sure the answer is simple but hasn’t really been pursued because the fix for a full tummy being a nip of tasty booze isn’t something worth questioning. I will say that I cannot imagine sitting down to a plate of Panang Curry with out an Underberg to follow. As for bitter woods, I know it is not uncommon in the Caribbean to soak water in a bowl made of cinchona wood for medicine, though I prefer my Campari straight.  However Underberg beats Campari in the hangover department, take a shot of Underberg in the AM after a rager, an you’ll  be ready to do it all over again.

I know we are talking about Underberg here, but I often joke of Fernet Branca, a much stronger bitters, hosting a five-course meal followed by a 5k run. In between food and the dash, a shot of Fernet will make you light as air.

I offer you both Hamlet and Underberg’s marketing tag to further explain these mysteries of bitters, digestion and Underberg:

“And therefore as a stranger give it welcome.
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

And

“Underberg, it cannot be explained… it must be experienced.”

Mixmo: Dizzy Dairy, Angel Tits, pousse Cafes and Whipped Irish Cream

I could talk on and on the Ramos fizz, (don’t say gin in the title and people will order it more) or about dry shaking or about my recent interest in drinking a whole egg in a Polish beer, but these are things we know about.  I could talk of egg safety, rant about flips, sour and why you should just get over it, or I could talk about milk punches, but that is so last year.  Instead I would like to address a dark secret that those of us in the “craft” and “quality” cocktail arena ignore: Irish Cream.

I shan’t name names, but if it is made of dairy, and 16% alcohol, and good nearly indefinitely at room temperature?  That is like the fires from Supersize Me, that is like a truck stop egg salad sandwich and that is something of questionable quality to put into your body.

Actual Irish Whisky in Ifresh rish Cream, not too tall of an order is it?

I vastly prefer to talk fresh dairy, sugar and then booze to make cream.  If an Irish Cream substitute is the goal, then it’s quite easy, 2oz of cream, 2 oz of booze and 2 oz of fine sugar and that is pretty much it.  Mix in the sugar first, and then the booze, the booze will do quite well to keep the sugar from dissolving otherwise.  For whipped cream, double up on the cream and sugar before adding the same 2 oz of booze, that is to say 4oz to 4 oz to 2 oz.

As for mixing the whipped cream, the easiest way by far is to use an isi charger, the next easiest the immersion blender and then finally, lets not forget the good ol’ Boston shaker with a Hawthorne spring in it.

I use fire non stop to prove that I am indeed a manly man behind the bar, this fancy pants whipped cream is the perfect topping for a Spanish coffee or a way to make an Irish coffee with double whisky.  But, I also like the old timey subtly of the pousse café.  Pousse cafes are layered shots, meaning “to push coffee,” they are after dinner sweet mistakes, fun to make and drink but generally a relic of the past that echo hangovers to the future.  Pictured below are 4 pousse cafes, from easiest to hardest.  The pousse café is always important for bachelorette parties and, well, that’s about it.  Below are 2 that every one should know and 2 that don’t matter at all.  Note, make the Angel’s Tit (stop calling it the angel “tip,” or “kiss,” this is a bar, we can say “tit,” my grandmother says “tit,” and she is a lady)with some butter scotch schnapps and nix the cherry and it’s a blow job shot, in a gay bar they call them cocksuckers.  It is important as a bartender to bridge cultural gaps.

An Angel Tit, b-53, Striped Biologist Taunter, The Pousse Cafe

Angel’s Tit recipe
Crème de cacao, whipped cream and a cherry

B-52 recipe
Coffee Liqueur, Your fancy Irish Cream, and topped with Grand Marnier

Striped Biologist Taunter– One by me
Clear crème de cacao, Chambord, Pear Eau di Vie and then drizzle a bit of violet on top

The Pousse Café Recipe-I triple dog dare you
Grenadine, Dark crème de cacao, Crème de Menthe, Chambord, Blue Curacao, Triple Sec, Brandy

http://forums.egullet.org/index.php?/topic/129074-mxmo-xlii-dizzy-dairy/  read more Dizzy Dairy Here

Fernet and cigarettes in five-minute sessions, Liquor before beer and other boozy lessons, Expensive sunglasses hiding dark eye rings, These are a few of my favorite things.

Fernet and cigarettes in five-minute sessions,

Liquor before beer and other boozy lessons,

Expensive sunglasses hiding dark eye rings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

It seems so easy to talk about what is hard about working in the bar and restaurant industry.  We all know that hours are long.  You don’t get health insurance.  You don’ get holidays off.  People look down on you.  But put away the smallest violin in the world that is playing bartender’s get no love in b minor.  Let me tell you about some of the fabulous things that as a bartender, you will have a whole new love for.  These are things that as a people, all of us drink slingers love.

Breakfast is the best meal of the day and brunch is the best meal of the week.  As a bartender, if you wanted, you could have 7 brunches a week that is a lot of champagne and cantaloupe.  Furthermore, brunch is an art, I’ve been focusing on it for about 8 years and I’m just starting to really figure out brunch.  One must pick out the menu’s good bits from the crap, know what bar can make you an 11 am mojito and who plays the least annoying music over brunch.  I have on several occasions had classic rock play at 10 am that is bullshit.  I want Iron and Wine with brunch not Led Zeppelin, which is clearly after noon music.

But when a bartender goes to brunch, they must encounter some other bullshit, the sun.  HOW CAN THE SUN BE OUT WHEN I AM STILL SLEEPY?  Is the cry of every bartender, I have taken two precautions, I moved to Seattle and I have a huge sunglass collection.  I think if there is a bartender that has less that 4 pairs of sunglasses it is because they have one pair that costs as much as a month’s rent.

Further shade from the devil sun is the hat.  I own 6 hats to go through the entire year’s seasons and fashions and I am a man with a full head of fluffy hair.  I’d wager those of us that are more senior have double the hats.  Even the lady tenders got a lot of hats; it isn’t limited to guys pretending to be Bogey.

And on the note of fashion, bartenders are a curious lot, once I was described as having a “steam punk,” esthetic.   I can spot a bartender walking down the street, not because of just the hat, sunglasses and pants swollen with cash but also because of the shoes.  People in the liquor biz all wear nice shoes.  People that spend 12 hour shifts on their feet with water dripping on them know that those shoes need to be comfy and the shoes they wear the next day are going to be a cut above.

This is a profession that also leads easily to certain vices.  The most legal and least sinful of these vices are easily called cigarettes, cheap beer, cab rides and cream cheese hog dogs.  All of these are bad, and we know they are bad.  The cigarette is hands down the easiest way to get a break under any circumstances, simply because other people that are addicted understand the need.  A bartender could stand before a jury of his/her peers and say, “your honor, I had to murder that toddler, the little shit drooled on my last smoke, ” “not guilty.” The verdict would surely be.  Bartenders are the first profession to understand what a quality beer is, and the first to pound a can of beer after work.  Even more so, I myself am connoissuer  of cheap beer, I can’t drink a PBR, but I love a Session, an Oly or the east coast fav: a Yuenling.  Sometimes to need to grab that beer, look at it in the mouth and say, “ I’m John Belushi and you are, well you are still a beer and I’m going to kill you.”  Try not to cut your mouth on the can.  Cabs cost way too much.  As a cyclist, I used to hate cabs, as they are reckless and likely to kill you.  Then I started hanging out with cabbies and learning the joy of getting home dry, warm and fast.  It’s worth the extra dough, and outside of golf carts, cabs are the only way to be drunk in transit.  Cream cheese dogs are responsible for 10% of all fat related deaths, but the risk is worth it.  I am not important, but Kagittan, the guy who runs the hot dog stand down the street, he puts me in the front of the line and gives me the good stuff.  I’ve got friends in low places.

Pepto is lame, Fernet is sexy

After a Miller High Life and a cream cheese hot dog you are going to have a tummy that rightly says to you: “Why are you trying to poison me, I shall growl at you.”  You must reply, “tummy, I hear your distress and I shall soothe you with the most bitter of all bitter drams, the bartender’s shot, the un official drink of Argentina, San Francisco and hangovers the world over, tummy here is a shot of Fernet Branca.”  To further personify body parts, tongue then says “AHHH, Fuck you, bbarrrgghhh, eh, its minty.”  And then the stomach is happy.  Digestif bitters are popular everywhere in the world but these United States.  Fernets, are generally grape bases infuse and fortified liqueurs.  Of all the Fernets, the Fernet Branca, is by far the fiercest of which I am aware.  The first time you drink it, it tastes of mint, pine needles and gasoline, and somehow, someday it will begin to also taste of a soft wool sweater wrapped around your stomach.

You get home, tired, full of animal fat and Italian liqueur, this is hardly the time for scholarly pursuits.  I recreationally read Hamlet, but after a long shift there are only cartoons on adult swim.  Something about severe exhaustion and a mild buzz make cartoons that much better.  But in these twilight hours, one must find ones limits, for laughing to hard when full of pork and booze can cause a “sofa mess,” and that would create a poor association with great things like Fernet and light beer.  And then you’d also have to walk to brunch on an empty stomach.

speed blogging: 62 people found my blog looking for answers for the following

Last week people in search of the following information found my blog.  I don’t know what answers they found, but more concisely, here are those answers:

1.    42 below vodka: the best vodka in the world
2.    42 below vodka scam: all vodka is a scam, 42 below is the best tasting scam with the purest water and with the most humorous ads, 42 below vodka: rewarding cleverness
3.    a drink you stir: any drink that is all spirits is stirred, aka drinks you can see through
4.    absinthe: read this blog post
5.    absinthe louche: the milky look that absinthe has when the oils mix with water
6.    andrew bohrer: 29 year old bartender poet who loves bikes, Legos and booze
7.    angostura bitters: an aromatic high proof alcohol mélange, the first commercially available, likely flavored with gentian amongst other things
8.    ball squeezing handjob: no, but  thank you
9.    bandana whisky cocktail photography: you should keep a bandana in your back pocket, its like taking a towel everywhere, whiskey is good and photography is pretty?
10.    bartender gets drunk on job: that’ll happen, you should fire him is it happens, um, I don’t know a few times, 7.
11.    bartending drink pictures: you should look here
12.    bitters: are a mix of high proof tinctures, they are the salt and pepper to cocktails
13.    blue blazer recipe: look here
14.    brand names of cocktails: are a marketing scam, the Bacardi cocktail, needing Bacardi outside of 1930’s court rulings, nope
15.    built drinks: meaning to pour over ice
16.    caiphrinia recipe: 2 oz cachaca, 1 oz lime, 1 oz simple syrup-I like it over crushed ice
17.    campari-italian bitter aperitif, read about it here
18.    campari salma hayek-did a series of ads for Campari called “hotel Campari” they are all super hot
19.    cask strength- whiskey right out of the barrel, no dilution, no filtering, also called barrel proof
20.    ciroc vodka- p diddy loves it
21.    classic drinks for men-yes sir! Here we go- the Manhattan, Gin Martini, Robert Burns, Blood and Sand, Negroni, Old Pal, Boulevardier, Toronto, Martinez- All of these drinks say ”a man is in the bar” and when a lady orders them, it says “men, I am too good for you don’t talk to me unless you can drink like me”
22.    classic drinks with bitters: all of them, the definition of “cocktail” is an all spirit drink with bitters.  What most people think of as cocktails are actually “sours”
23.    cocktail cruise: I endorse any activity that involves drinking and the sea
24.    concept board: chalk board?
25.    dirty windshield: they have squeegees at the gas station or you can pay a homeless guy
26.    drinking a pisco sour: best drink to start a day of summer drinking: 1.5 oz pisco, 1 oz lemon, 1oz sugar 1 egg white shake and strain with a dash of bitters on top
27.    fernet branca celiac: celiac is a wheat problem that is not an issue after distillation and I think fernet branca is made of beets
28.    flair bartending: ask a juggler how much money he makes in a night and then ask him if he make a Manhattan, if he can Vegas wants to hire him, if he can’t he should stay at the state fair grounds
29.    gin allergy: juniper allergy is to pollen, not to gin
30.    go fuck yourself mug:  that was on the onion website here
31.    hand job: always good for a joke
32.    how to carve a ball:  get a cube of ice, cut off the 8 corners then cut off those corners and done
33.    how to carve ice:  I score it with a knife and then tap an ice pick along that line and it should shear nicely, also, try using a bread knife
34.    how to serve absinthe: ice cold water poured over a sugar cube, no fire needed
35.    ingredients peychaud’s: I wish I knew, I always taste a lot of almond
36.    instead of an appletini: a stadler and waldorf, which is a play on an Algonquin which is 2 oz rye 1oz pineapple and 1oz dry vermouth
37.    introduction vodka:  that is here
38.    japanese ice ball: is rolling down Mount Fuji to destroy you
39.    japanese mixing glass: simple idea, huge vessel to maximize the amount of ice touching the spirit, you can use a French press coffee carafe or go to cocktail kingdom to buy one
40.    jerry Thomas: one of the first celebrity bartenders circa 1860, more here
41.    keith bartoloni: bad ass bartender in Seattle at the Hazelwood and Ballard
42.    larry flynt: a dirty bad man who pays ladies to see their parts
43.    negroni recipe: 1oz gin 1oz Campari 1 oz sweet vermouth
44.    nikka yoichi 10 year old: the single malt winner of my Japanese tasting lesson, not available in the US
45.    nuvo liquor: BOOOOOOO
46.    or how to ask for a vodka martini with vermouth: its called a kangaroo kicker and you will have to explain it every time
47.    randy tarlow: a handsome devil bartender working in LA who owns cocktail couture
48.    salma hayek measurements: if I had to guess  I’d say: awesome’ 26’ awesome’
49.    sazerac handy mike meinke:  check out my explaination or the triobar website, but that is in German
50.    scrappy’s bitters: local Seattle Bitters made by Miles Thomas
51.    shark week drinking games: Wow, some one is smarter than me, a shot of whiskey for every guy that gets bitten and drink every time you hear “chum” or “teeth”
52.    single malt: a whiskey made from malting at one distillery but the barrels can still be blended with whiskey from that distillery so long as the age statement is that of the youngest whiskey blended
53.    strained panties: always fine strain cucumber drinks
54.    sydney frank: well, he is dead now, so he can do no more harm, but he was responsible for grey goose vodka
55.    the hand washers brigade presents: I don’t know, but we should all wash more
56.    tom cruise cocktail: a bad movie with a good message: Elizabeth Shue
57.    types of glasswares in a bar:  Everyone should get a glassware catalogue to see that almost every glass has a different name, but there is no such thing as a martini glass. A martini glass is a cocktail glass with a martini in it.  Some times at home I use a maritini mug when I’m walking my dog, sometimes it’s a scotch mug, but really, its just a mug illed with scotch
58.   vesper recipe: 1.5 oz dry gin .5 oz vodka and a dash of lillet blanc with a twist of lemon
59.    white lady:  there are several, most common is 1.5 oz dry gin 1oz cointreau 1oz lemon juice
60.    white lady salmonella: this refers to the egg white variation, any badness in an egg is killed doubly by the booze in a cocktail or the ph of juice
61.    wicked gimlet recipe: boston in the house: wicked pissah gimlet: 2 oz dry gin, ,5oz lime .25 oz simple syrup
62.    zissou campari: interns will fetch you campari