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The only sure fire way to prevent disappointment on New Year’s Eve is to get a bottle of grower’s Champagne and stay in with the ones you love while watching The Hudsucker Proxy by the Coen brothers. If I wasn’t a dedicated barman, committed to tradition, that is what I would do. But alas, I don’t have enough money to be non-traditional. Let’s be honest, New Year’s Eve is a truly wretched holiday, if not simply the worst day of the year. Here are some tips I’d offer about how to properly survive this holiday from a logistical and spiritual standpoint, and who knows, you might accidentally end up having fun.
Do not drink cheap sparkling wine; you will surely die. Conversely, do not drink great champagne all night for you will surely forget. Proceed as follows:
- Don’t begin drinking until 4:00pm.
- Have a good toast, with the good stuff, at the beginning of the evening.
- Sip a punch or something mellow and low sugar most of the night.
- Stick to about 1.25 drinks per hour maintains a good buzz.
- At midnight toast with something passable (the good stuff was enjoyed at the beginning of the evening).
- Take 4 ibuprofen and drink a pint of water.
On New Year’s Eve, don’t try to save on shoe leather, walking is the safest. But if you are to go by car here is the way to be.
- By 10:00pm, be where you want to be a midnight. Travel between those times is awful. If you can’t spend the night, the best time to leave is 12:50am. Everyone reasonable leaves after the stroke of midnight, the rest will be found staggering home at 2:00am.
- Cabs cannot be counted on, New Year’s Eve is cabbie-apocalypse for drivers and Mad Max for passengers. To count on the fellas on this night is a fool’s game.
- Your best bet is to get an Uber. And, since I get the hookup (Full disclosure: my editor/fiancé works there) you can get your first ride free by clicking this link or popping my name “AndrewBohrer” into the app.
New Year’s Eve is sad. How do you not hold a magnifying glass to your life? To keep from crashing the proverbial plane into the literal mountain: Do not think about the problems of your year, nor how to become a super human in the coming year. And, do not make a resolution; instead make a toast. You’ll be toasting all night, make each one a promise to help a friend; the things you do for other people are more real than the ones you do for yourself.
New Year’s Eve beats you up. In my limited experience, hangovers come from impure booze, sugar in any form (because low amounts of good booze and too much dessert has gotten me too) and dehydration. There is only one sure-fire way to avoid a hangover: Purchase a live chicken, name it Armand, put it under your arm and carry it from bar to bar, make an oath that you will only finish as many shots as Armand. This is a traditional drinking practice of early American coal miners. Barring purchasing a chicken, an Emegen-C and a Ramos Gin Fizz is what you need. This magic combo will treat both the symptoms and the cause of your woes.
Ramos Gin Fizz
- 2oz Old Tom Gin
- 1oz Heavy Cream
- .75oz Lemon Juice
- 1 egg white
- .5oz Simple Syrup
- 3 dashes Orange Flower Water
- shake for at least 2 min
- strain into a highball glass with 1 oz soda
- then top with 2 oz soda