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Over the past year I’ve been traveling almost nonstop, and of course, drinking to match. And while I’ve been able to quaff cocktails in the world’s finest establishments, I’ve also been disappointed plenty, too. Some of the bartenders I’ve been running into lately have made me visbly angry.
I was sitting around with my editor this morning and she brought up a quote from this article,
“…if your job wasn’t performed by a cat or a boa constrictor in a Richard Scarry book I’m not sure I believe it’s necessary.”
And it got me inspired to draw a few of these comedic frustrations into silly cartoons. They are anthropomorphic little expressions about how everyone has faults but me:
Clive isn’t a sly fox, he is a slick fuck.
Clive has one thing down about being cool, “don’t try too hard.” Clive might be asleep right now. He was bone luging before Intsagram ever existed. Bartender? More like “Amartender.* ” What is Clive’s deal you ask?
“Oh, you don’t know?”
Clive is the hipster bartender and his fixe bike is locked up out in front of the bar. Every drink that he makes has an Italian amaro in it. The worse the amaro, the more he uses it. Amaro di S. Maria, I’m talking to you.
“I’m really into amaros right now”
Clive has a signature move and it’s his lean. Most bartenders lean towards a guest to see what they would like to drink. Clive leans away from the guest and employing a pressure-free sales technique. This casual nature ensures that you’ll get your cocktail…eventually… when he notices you. Young bartenders: leaning forward is attentive and empathic, whereas learning back equals,
“I’m sooo hungover right now.”
Clive has forgotten how to shake a drink. Clive has forgotten how to muddle a drink. And without Amaro Nonino, Clive has forgotten how to make a drink. I’ve got news for you Clive, If you mix Amaro Nonino with coffee grounds and rotten lamb curry it still makes a good cocktail. Why? because Amaro Nonino is ambrosia and it is doing the heavy lifting, not you.
Ramazzotti is certainly Clive’s other crutch and sometimes he walks with a Fernet Branca pimp cane. With 5 other amaros mixed shittily with 5 other base spirits he’ll write a cocktail list,
“Ripped off from Imbibe,”
And a cocktail list that a surly, angry, pirate like myself will enjoy yet also a cocktail list that will ensure a new generation’s fear of whiskey and gin. In that way, Clive, you are to blame for the increased sales of Whipped Cream Vodka.
Thanks Clive.
Next: The Sloth
*Coined by Nathan Webber as a term for assholes that put amaro in everything
In case you’re wondering: I drew this with an app called Paper 53, after I had dinner next to a guy named Georg who made this app that delightfully allows me to scribble little amusing cartoons. Georg is a great guy to talk to about schnapps, and he sure can intuitively digitize a creative process.
**disclaimer**
I often write a little bit buzzed but I just got back from a super novacaine dentist vist, so this blog will have the brevity of pain and the typos of a before noon scotch.
Because percocet tastes awful
I pretty much have no interest in creating new cocktails. The only exceptions to that are new ingredients on the market and combining ingredients that never could have met. This is my bartender’s version of wondering who would win in a fight between samurai and viking or some other shitty Discovery Chanel show.
This cocktail expertly balances mixology’s 2 trendiest ingredients. Curbside Cider not only blends a bitter Italian digestivo (Fernet Branca) with Northern Europe’s bright seasonal offering of elderflower liqueur (Pur Likor Blossom). Today’s Cocktail Advent Calendar puts together 2 ancient liqueur that hadn’t likely ever met before 2008. Jeff Grdinich is the creator of this one. I’ve always known him as the most organized guy at Tale of the Cocktail. A true gentleman that has helped me at great length with chainsaws in the New Orleans miasma. I want to say more about him but my numb mouth is causing me to drool, I must make haste.
The flavor profile of the Curbside Cider will include the flavors of cinnamon, clove, pear, lychee and mint; though the cocktail is bereft of all of those ingredients. And again, we’d like to thank mom for giving us a crock-pot. Without one, how would we ever serve hot punch?
We are really giving the toddy glasses a workout this month.
Curbside Cider
- 1 1/2 ounces rye whiskey
- 3/4 ounce Pur elderflower liqueur
- 1/4 ounce Fernet-Branca
- 4 ounces hot apple cider
I am going, I am going any which way the wind may be blowing, I am going, I am going where streams of whisky are flowing.
Sorry, listening to the Pogues too, and I thought you should know.
