Most commonly I rant on how to fix drinks. I know I sound like I must be a raging asshole when it comes to drinking. You must think, “How can that fucker ever enjoy anything?” One word: compromise.
The margarita is the most ordered drink in the world. Wait, scratch that, the *real* margarita is ordered roughly four times per year. However slop left over from Slimer’s screen-time in Ghostbusters, poured into a pint glass with a salt rim, is the most ordered drink in the world. And a pint glass of neon green goo is as much a margarita as Boston crème doughnuts are part of a healthy breakfast. Rather than give you the 1,200 word essay on why any bartender should be able to make a 3-part drink with ease, I’d like to point out two other things.
#1 It is really the consumer’s fault that the margarita is so shitty. They want this aforementioned giant crap fest and wonder what the hell a non-blended “up” margarita looks like.
#2 When given the insipid pre-batched, no Cointreau, mixto tequila abomination, it is often easier to fix it yourself than to retrain a bartender on-the-spot. Plus, bad bartenders are not allowed to touch Cointreau the way bulls aren’t allowed to touch demitasse tea-cups.
We all find ourselves in shitty Mexican restaurants, if lucky, we are at least in Mexico when this happens. Chips, guac and a sunset need a properly paired cocktail. But, it’s easy to forget one’s self, accidentally ordering what you know will be the worst cocktail possible.
But you, on your own, can fix this tragedy.
I’ll show you how.
When you are a little British kid in the pub lager and lemon is a Shandy, but in South America fruit in a beer is called a Chelada. Good luck ordering one of those, but you can use a shitty margarita to make one that is a touch on the stronger side.
If your margarita ever appears to be more than 5 oz’s you know that it is indeed filled with artificial sweeteners and fake juice. This drink will be overly sweet, tacky, thick and problematic to your palate. Much like the curse of having too accurate a memory or too sad a day, beer can help fix these problems.
You see, you were served a big glass of gooey crap, frankly its like the inside of a diaper. They make them thick and sugary to stand up to all the melted worthless ice watering down your margarita faster than you can drink it. With great sugar comes over the top acidity, the kind that burns the next day.
Here is what you do in three easy steps:
1. Procure an empty glass or just dump your water glass on a nearby plant.
2. Pour half of your failure margarita into that glass.
3. Top with beer.
Now you basically have remixed your cocktail table-side; some places charge big bucks for this.
To sum it up:
There were problems: The texture was too thick, the sweetness was too cloying and the acidity was too high.
There was a solution: Beer. The effervescence thins the texture, the beer adds a savory note to mellow sweetness along with adding a bass-note to just chill the whole mother fucker out. Adding an extra shot of tequila fixes a lot of these problems too, but let’s face it, if you get served this shit-house margarita, you probably don’t want to buy any more tequila from this bar anyway.
So there it is, how to make a Tex-Mex Shandy, or as the Mexicans say, a Chelada. A Chelada just being a fruited beer with a Mexi-Lager the Michelada being the most common (with tomato) but it also works with all kinds of fruit and spice, even just half of a shitty margarita.