Most margaritas are 100% crap. Here is the simple fix…

Most commonly I rant on how to fix drinks.  I know I sound like I must be a raging asshole when it comes to drinking.  You must think, “How can that fucker ever enjoy anything?” One word: compromise.

I wanted this to be a sunset Margarita, but alas, the sun has set on the Margarita

The margarita is the most ordered drink in the world.  Wait, scratch that, the *real* margarita is ordered roughly four times per year. However slop left over from Slimer’s screen-time in Ghostbusters, poured into a pint glass with a salt rim, is the most ordered drink in the world. And a pint glass of neon green goo is as much a margarita as Boston crème doughnuts are part of a healthy breakfast.  Rather than give you the 1,200 word essay on why any bartender should be able to make a 3-part drink with ease, I’d like to point out two other things.

#1 It is really the consumer’s fault that the margarita is so shitty.  They want this aforementioned giant crap fest and wonder what the hell a non-blended “up” margarita looks like.

#2 When given the insipid pre-batched, no Cointreau, mixto tequila abomination, it is often easier to fix it yourself than to retrain a bartender on-the-spot.  Plus, bad bartenders are not allowed to touch Cointreau the way bulls aren’t allowed to touch demitasse tea-cups.

Shit, I wanted a taco and now I am faced with terrible drink options, maybe I should just stick with water. Nah, let's roll the dice...

We all find ourselves in shitty Mexican restaurants, if lucky, we are at least in Mexico when this happens.  Chips, guac and a sunset need a properly paired cocktail. But, it’s easy to forget one’s self, accidentally ordering what you know will be the worst cocktail possible.

GOD DAMN IT! This margarita is bullshit! How can I fix 80 years of crappy bartending? I can't in one afternoon, but wait...

But you, on your own, can fix this tragedy.

I’ll show you how.

When you are a little British kid in the pub lager and lemon is a Shandy, but in South America fruit in a beer is called a Chelada.  Good luck ordering one of those, but you can use a shitty margarita to make one that is a touch on the stronger side.

If your margarita ever appears to be more than 5 oz’s you know that it is indeed filled with artificial sweeteners and fake juice.  This drink will be overly sweet, tacky, thick and problematic to your palate. Much like the curse of having too accurate a memory or too sad a day, beer can help fix these problems.

If you suspect you'll get a Senor Frog's style margarita: Be prepared.

You see, you were served a big glass of gooey crap, frankly its like the inside of a diaper.  They make them thick and sugary to stand up to all the melted worthless ice watering down your margarita faster than you can drink it.  With great sugar comes over the top acidity, the kind that burns the next day.

Here is what you do in three easy steps:

1. Procure an empty glass or just dump your water glass on a nearby plant.

2. Pour half of your failure margarita into that glass.

3. Top with beer.

Now you basically have remixed your cocktail table-side; some places charge big bucks for this.

They didn't teach you this in bartending school.

To sum it up:

There were problems: The texture was too thick, the sweetness was too cloying and the acidity was too high.

There was a solution: Beer. The effervescence thins the texture, the beer adds a savory note to mellow sweetness along with adding a bass-note to just chill the whole mother fucker out.  Adding an extra shot of tequila fixes a lot of these problems too, but let’s face it, if you get served this shit-house margarita, you probably don’t want to buy any more tequila from this bar anyway.

I don't normally endorse this, but say in your best Borat, "It's very nice." Because is isn't great, it began with a failure but you took control of destiny.

So there it is, how to make a Tex-Mex Shandy, or as the Mexicans say, a Chelada.  A Chelada just being a fruited beer with a Mexi-Lager the Michelada being the most common (with tomato)  but it also works with all kinds of fruit and spice, even just half of a shitty margarita.

This entry was posted in Cocktails, recipes, tequila. Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Most margaritas are 100% crap. Here is the simple fix…

  1. Noelle says:

    I thought you were going to say something about asking for lime / lemon + tequila and just go with that…
    But then again, I mainly do that in Nicaragua. With rum. So, yeah, never mind. Completely off topic. I

  2. Chris Laurel says:

    Godammit. I’m going to mix myself a margarita right now.

  3. Tom Hughes says:

    So what recipe do you like best??

    • caskstrength says:

      For a real Margarita I keep it really simple

      Salt only the outside of the glass, and yes to rocks

      2 oz tequila
      .5 oz fresh lime
      .5 oz cointreau
      .25 agave nectar-just for mouth feel, shake and strain over fresh ice

  4. dd says:

    Horrible writing. You just took several paragraphs to inform the reader: “Add beer”.

    • caskstrength says:

      Thanks for the feedback, this is a milestone in my writing career.

      Hey Mom, look, it’s not just you and my friends that read my blog, so does this gentleman, who clearly isn’t reading it because he loves me.

      dd, You should see how long it takes me to explain something I like. But if you like brevity I’ve summed up some great classic literature for you below:

      A Tale of Two Cities: Class- struggle is hard

      Hamlet: Revenge is a bad idea

      Pride & Prejudice: It’s hard to be a smart girl

      Moby Dick: Couldn’t finish it

      The Lorax: Recycle

  5. Love it! Thanks for the clever tip. I’m sure to do this because 99% of margs are indeed crap.

    • caskstrength says:

      Whenever you want to host a Margarita class parallel croquet tournament I’m your man.

  6. I really love this: “Plus, bad bartenders are not allowed to touch Cointreau the way bulls aren’t allowed to touch demitasse tea-cups.”

    This is almost classic – and it made my day…

  7. Carol says:

    Very good blog and very interesting post!
    A backlink to my website, please:
    simpatias para emagrecer

  8. Clever man! This is a good use of money, since no establishment that mixes you a bad margarita will offer not to charge you for it. On another topic, I think that (outside of North America) the world’s most popular cocktail is the caipirinha, not the margarita. Maybe people just like muddling as a sport? Not sure, but that indirectly explains my recipe for a margarita, which is basically a caipirinha of the Mexican kind: tequila, lime muddled with agave syrup, and a touch of fresh-squeezed orange juice. (Half the time I cut down on the agave and use Combier instead of fresh orange.) I leave the muddle and the ice in there as well, and serve it in a smallish glass so it will be gone in 5 minutes.

  9. Adam says:

    Just tried this recipe, hands down the best I ever tasted! thanks alot for the recipe!!

  10. Right on the money. Someone asked me just last night how a chain restaurant could offer a pint of their “house margarita” for only $3.50 and I replied “crap mixto tequila, and a lot of sour mix.” I’ve been successful in navigating my Lady Friend away from lousy mixto/sour mix concoctions to the point where now she can barely order her favorite drink anywhere because she knows it’ll be junk.

    Will certainly try the beer addition. Had never occurred to me, but you’re absolutely right… if it were on the menu it’d be a chelada.

    Also, you’re fucking hilarious.

  11. Glen Jerry says:

    Look, if you want a proper margarita, you’re just going to have to make it yourself.

    1 ounce of tequila, 1 ounce of Grand Marnier (or tripple sec, or any organge liquor), 1 ounce of actual lime juice you squeezed yourself.

    There, you can’t screw that up and if you use a decne tequila with Grand Marnier – just ralize the the little glass you’re drinking would be $15 minimum at any bar, and the cost to you is about $7 maximum unless you’re just wasting tequila in something it shouldn’t be – a mixed drink.

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